| such a pretty broken mess. |
[September 30th|11:56pm] |
things change with time. time brings change. things change. people change. i've changed.
this is my last entry in this here journal. i've run out of things to say.
or maybe it's that i just have nothing to say to this journal anymore.
things aren't bad. at all. i'm actually doing wonderfully. it's just, this journal doesn't do my feelings justice. either i'm too lazy to post, or i'm too scared to post how things really are, or livejournal just eats my fucking entry. but no hard feelings, livejournal.
you've helped me through a lot.
but now i think it's time i kept what i'm feeling to myself.
if i have anything i want everyone else to know, then i'll just have to let everyone else know.
i'm not gonna leave this with shoutouts, or any distinctive and memorable last words.
i'm just gonna leave this the same way i leave everything else.
goodbye.
|
|
| read. |
[September 29th|11:26am] |
i really enjoy reading. even senseless reading.
like reading your notes.
i've never felt like this before. and i don't think i will ever get to say that again.
|
|
|
[September 26th|9:27am] |
|
pull the trigger and the nightmares stop.
|
|
|
[September 25th|11:23pm] |
a piece of red paper cut into the shape of a heart.
on it i'd write everything i feel about you right now.
i'd laminate it.
give it to you.
and wait and see how long it takes you to lose it in your room.
or set it on fire.
or keep it in your pocket and never forget.
|
|
| - |
[September 23rd|7:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
the most non-good |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
horse the band - handsome shoved his glove |
] |
hah. this is awful. i feel like shit.
|
|
| CUTSMAN! |
[September 23rd|12:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
fucking hyped |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
horse the band - cutsman |
] |
everything will be ok.
at least that's how i look at it.
trial and error till you get the picture
jaded but certain, not broken, just bitter
right now, nothing in my life could be better, except for perhaps my income situation. i think i'm gonna start working at quiznos again later this week, not because i miss it, but because i know the shit there already, i don't have to train, i don't have to get re-hired, and yeah. that's about it.
dude seriously everyone go out and buy horse the band. holy shit. this cd is fucking amazing. best shit i've heard in forever. it gets me hyped, this is my favorite band ever for the week. hah. we'll see how long this lasts. but they are fucking awesome. period.
me and lisa? we are good. in case you were wondering. and i know you were. and you. and you. and you. this has to be the best thing i have ever stumbled upon. of course, i've said that before. but the feelings i have for lisa are different. it's not like i'm trying to impress her. it's not like i'm trying to constantly keep her happy. i keep us happy. and when we are happy, she's happy. and i'm happy. so we're happy.
i wanna go find my old super nintendo, pull out all my megaman games, find and buy every used megaman game i can find, and just rock out every day with megaman. naked. maybe with a miller at my side. and lisa can make me soup. to think, all these years, i've been pronouncing ramen wrong.
|
|
|
[September 20th|2:33pm] |
60 hours.
no power.
i went crazy.
me and lisa had fun :-D!
|
|
|
[September 15th|1:37am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the number 12 looks like you |
] |
i wen't to the show tonight.
half-way there, i wished i hadn't gone.
i would of rather seen lisa. but i guess i don't have to see her everyday. i'm sure she didn't mind.
the show was great until from autumn to ashes played. they fucking suck. period. end of story.
and now i am on a downloading frenzy.
i hate cigarettes.
i hate how i stink of them
my ears hurt.
i don't wanna write an epic, only a pamphlet.
this is my take on convincing forms.
breathe-in and fall back into me.
|
|
| naivety: |
[September 14th|12:06am] |
just wanted to take the time to say that i miss you.
almost everything about you.
the way that every night i slept, you kept me company.
every note i ever wrote to a girl, you were right there with me.
every time i feel in love, you fell in love, too.
every time a girl kissed me, you told me it was because she liked me.
you helped me believe in something.
you helped me get by when things got rough.
you were there for me when nobody else was, and you assured me that it was only because they had their own personal problems.
the only thing i don't miss about you, is how you never told me the truth.
|
|
| long time no see |
[September 10th|9:21pm] |
i haven't been posting much lately. i've been working a lot on the other website, and on some personal issues.
long story short?
i'm staying at north stafford.
my parents are moving in june.
i'm tired of cigarettes.
my sister is on the phone and i need it.
there isn't much to write about when i don't feel like bitching and complaining.
i feel absolutely incredible.
sweet dreams and whatever comes.
|
|
|
[September 6th|6:11am] |
meh.
:(
|
|
| so i wrote |
[September 4th|8:47am] |
this is fucking hopeless. i'm dropping out of nshs.
i went into school this morning, happy, for once. my day was going to go well. me and lisa talked last night, and worked things out, and she made it clear that she cares about me... which is all i really want anyway. but just as first period started, i recieved a pass to go to counseling. i was excited. this meant that they had recieved my schedule change form, and i was going to be an aide for ms. eaves in video productions.
i was happy.
i went to the counselors and waited for him to open his door so i could go in and make the change. i figured it would only take five or ten minutes, seeing as i was just dropping statistics and adding a study hall.
nope.
the teacher for marine science wanted me out of the class because i got a D in chemistry last year.
marine science, at least at nshs, is a fucking joke. it's a class you are required to buy colored pencils for. it's a class where you keep a fish tank and go on field trips once a month. it's a free a.
but i was getting kicked out.
ok, i can deal with that. just give me geology or something. they have a geology class that period, anyway, so it shouldn't be a big deal.
nope.
basically, every class i had got moved around.
except for the fucking statistics class, which they wont let me drop. i have to stay in the class at least two weeks. to "see if it grows on me."
i don't want to take a math. period.
my average is pathetic as it is. i know that by taking a math class, my average will only drop another .2 or .3.
and i don't need that.
it's not that i hate school, it's that i hate how highschool works.
it's not my fault that my former math teacher placed me in a math class.
it's not my fault that i only need three more credits for that fucking advanced diploma.
it's not my fault the school won't just fucking let me be a part-time student.
they think i'm doing this because i'm lazy. it's not because i'm lazy, it's because i'm fucking jaded when it comes to how this stupid fucking system works. especially in stafford. especially at NSHS.
it's not my fucking fault that none of you did your fucking jobs all summer.
i didn't choose to build the new classrooms.
i didn't choose to get a shitload of new teachers.
so why the fuck should i be punished for it?
this isn't me giving up, though. when my parents get home from the doctors (up in fucking maryland), i'm going to talk to them about maybe going to turning point, for those last three credits. that way i can finish by spring, graduate with my fucking diploma, go to california, and yeah.
i just, fuck dude.
i want so badly not to feel anything right now.
i tried. i fucking tried. i shouldn't hate school the second day into it.
i don't dare to dream of the place where forever is possible. 120 beats per minute; my heart beats to the metronome of your voice. are the words we exchange in vain? they fall dead like breath to cold air when we stop ignoring time. 120 beats per minute; my heart stops when an end kills our choice. a means to an end is all this will become. the meaningless fill before the climax. the storm before the calm. you don't want this to end i don't want it to have to. seconds by my watch speak volumes. whispering promises of forever into the ear of another. our hearts make us all liars. the future makes us all liars.
the future makes us all liars.
|
|
| the profound words of a broken man |
[September 3rd|8:50pm] |
i'm going to make this blunt.
nothing i do, and nothing that happens to me, will make me feel any better.
nothing.
i pray to god for a good day, and i get this?
if this is some sick joke... then god, i hate you.
i fucking do.
every day drags on, like i'm waiting for them to just stop coming.
and i am.
or i say i am.
don't be afraid.
i'm really ok.
pinky promise.
//
set our hearts to self-destruct.
|
|
| regression |
[September 2nd|6:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 mellow |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
i'm not sad just less ignorant. |
] |
fuck fuck fuck.
i can't shake this fucking feeling.
i can't.
school today fucking sucked. i'll lie, say it's ok, say i was in a bad mood when i wrote this entry. but it was fucking awful. i was excited. i was ecstatic. this was the year that i was going to change... for the better.
that's not going to fucking happen.
i went back to school for the wrong reasons. i cared again for the wrong reasons. somewhere inside of me, oh wait, nowhere. nowhere is where any aspirations for me to finish highschool are. i want to just drop this whole fucking place like it's hot. i'm tired of the same old. i'm tired of feeling like nothing i do will change a fucking thing. i can't make things better. medicine and therapy won't make things better. i'm trapped in a cycle. the only power i really have is to throw everything away, and i've never been as close as i am right now.
this isn't anyones fault. and if it is, it's mine. i got myself here, knowing the entire time that i don't have the strength to pick up the pieces of my self. i don't have the will or the courage to pick myself back up. i don't have the spine.
this mixed feeling of regret and remorse is making me sick.
tj says i just examine myself too much.
maybe.
but what if all i'm really doing is seeing what i failed to see before?
what if the only reason i didn't feel like this for so long was because i was distracting myself?
distraction is a beautiful thing. if you distract yourself long enough, the problem will go away. maybe the problem is that i believe whole-heartedly every word i just said.
i don't want people to have a day for me.
i don't want to be mourned or remembered anymore.
i just don't want to be anything.
i love you.
|
|
|
[September 2nd|12:01am] |
the last 15 minutes of my last summer...
was spent thinking about you.
sweet dreams and whatever comes.
|
|
| mumble mumble guitar solo |
[September 1st|10:28pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
yesterdays rising - torn and weathered |
] |
today was weird for me.
that medication puts me in such a rotten mood.
school tommorow, sleep tonight.
|
|
|
[August 28th|10:45pm] |
around 3 am i'm leaving for mass.
i'm going to miss lisa like fucking crazy.
oh, and the rest of you, too. ;-).
goodbye to all.
|
|
|
[August 28th|7:48am] |
jesus christ it's early.
i'm not sure why i'm up already. i stayed at david's house last night (which fucking sucked because of his brother) and i couldn't sleep at all. so when i got up for the last time (at 7:30) i said fuck it and decided to drive home. i have to be at work in an hour or so anyway, so it's alright.
my parents changed plans, we aren't leaving for mass. until tommorow at like 4 am. which means today i will get to see lisa again before i go. i'm so happy.
i hope she isn't still mad at me...
and now, my stomach hurts. i haven't eaten anything since lisas mom fed us chicken and melons.
that's my cue.
|
|
| done again. |
[August 27th|3:03am] |
school this year is going to be tough. and i don't mean because of the classes, but because i can't seem to get myself into bed... ever.
i'm staying up tonight so that i can look outside at mars around 5:50 in the am. it's supposed to be as big and as bright as it's going to get, and it only happens once every 20,000 years or something. i suppose it'll be worth staying up for, unless at the last moment it gets cloudy or foggy and i can't see shit. that seems to be my luck lately when it comes to anything astrology related. meteor showers, eclipses, anything. fucking haze. fucking fog.
my job is pissing me off. i feel like i'm working more, but i still owe my dad and mom a shitload of money. this sucks. it sucks being poor when you aren't really poor. where can i work that won't be so boring?
i got my schedule.
everyone hold your breath:
period 1: va/us govt. with mrs. (or mr.?) english
period 2: english 12 with mrs. darrough
period 3: german II with frau zalok (hah, easy credit)
period 4: marine science with mrs. raines
period 5: statistics with mrs. snively (i'm dropping this class like it's hot)
period 6: global issues with mr. skeen (right on)
3rd lunch: just so everyone knows, this year i will be attending several lunches. just because. any special requests?
period 7: sociology with mr. harvey (he's changed, but i hear he's still pretty rad)
periods 1, 2, and 3 are the only classes i need to pass to get an advanced diploma. hah. i can see the unexcused absences for this year stacking up already. but i think i might actually get decent grades, pending whether or not i still give a shit once school actually starts.
sadly, i doubt i will.
but thinking about it means i care.
i'm kinda looking forward to my mass. trip. i usually have an decent time, it's just, my grandma is so depressing. she was a fully functioning (although a bit crazy) citizen a year ago, and now she's as blind as a bat. that means her car is gone and, well, she can't read those old lady porn books she was so crazy about. she just turned 87 a few weeks ago.
...i'm gonna miss lisa like crazy though.
|
|
| 123 123 keep it up |
[August 26th|2:48am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
mellow |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
straylight run - it's for the best |
] |
ahh.
i feel better.
thankyou lisa, for that wonderful speech. it helped, whether you believe me or not.
---
this is going to be a shorter entry, because i really need to get to sleep tonight. i haven't gotten any normal sleep for weeks, and school is starting again soon. hate to sound resposible but, school is gonna be a waste of time if i just sleep through it all year. so i need to start sleeping again. i think 2:45 in the morning is a good starting point, and i'll gradually get earlier and earlier (which will be easy when i go up to massachusetts to see my grandma, everything in scituate is either dead or dying, and i'm pretty sure all the kids hang out at the grocery store).
tonight was weird. i got off work at 4, really hoping that i was going to get to see lisa. but my car didn't get fixed in time and, yeah. so at about 7:45, chris came and picked me up and i went and bought guitar strings. we got to musicquest after they closed, but the guy let us in. he was pretty cool.
anyway, the rest of the night was spent trying to find david purviance. we needed to jam, and we wanted to jam in his basement (it's a pretty cool place). we had no fucking clue where he was, and when we did find him (at his house), it was too late to really play.
i decided that we should go to colonial forge. they were all going to play tennis, while i somehow found and outlet and played guitar in the tennis courts.
things i learned tonight:
1. the noise a circuit breaker makes shouldn't be that scary.
2. tennis courts have horrible acoustics.
3. i really need to start focusing on guitar more.
i'm having a sort of writers block, or something. even this entry is draining me of any ideas i had to write about anything.
this is who i really am.
goodnight.
|
|
|
[August 25th|6:33pm] |
this.
this sucks.
and now i know it isn't the medicine that makes me feel like shit.
fuck. i thought i knew what the deal was.
|
|
|
[August 24th|10:08am] |
|
last night was fucking awful.
|
|
| you'll die trying (to live this down) |
[August 24th|1:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
straylight run - mistakes |
] |
the show in richmond was dece'.
just stayed for bfyl, then left. stupid fucking headache. stupid fucking being burned. stupid fucking.
me and lisa and brady hung out for a bit today. i wish i got to see more of her (even though i see plenty of her anyway, you can't get enough lisa.)
i sorta want to drive to her house tommorow, at like 12, and just sit with her on her couch. watch some shitty tv and pretend that the tv is the reason i'm there.
pretending is fun.
the truth is incredible.
ahh, this feeling will never get old.
i can pinpoint every single night i have felt like this. it's amazing. i mark nights by nicotine stars in camel wide gauge cigarettes and by where the moon is in relation to the lake pond behind my house.
david is over. we are playing guitar. it's cool. i guess. if only this headache would go away.
i miss her already. hah. oh man i miss her.
this is strange.
and i can't write about it in here anymore, because words don't work at times like these.
well, at least, not my words.
;-)
good eve' to all.
|
|
|
[August 22nd|3:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
passionate |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
primitive radio gods - standing outside a broken phonebooth |
] |
last night i came home around 12.
i sat in my bed and played guitar.
and i was so happy.
my pillows smell like her hair. cherries and girl.
every once in a while, i find one of her hairs on the couch.
or in my room.
and i can't help but smile.
can money pay
for all the days
i lived awake
but half asleep?
today i have to pay the bills. 20$ to my little brother. 50$ to my mom. 95$ to my dad. 15$ to brady.
well fuck.
i think my paycheck is going to be like, 50$.
looks like it's time to pawn some memories.
and by memories, i mean some jewelry.
and by jewelry, i mean the shit christen gave back to me when we broke up.
hah, it's just been sitting in my room. not because i want it, or because i cherish it or anything.
just because i'm only 17 and my mother refuses to pawn it for me.
she just doesn't feel right.
so my quizno's manager is going to pawn it for me. which will be nice/disappointing.
hah, i'll probably get like 50$.
but i suppose that's all those memories are worth to me, anyway.
i'm going to nshs.
then i'm moving to richmond and going to VCU.
anyone looking for a roomate?
you have to be able to stand really loud music, late night shitty guitar playing, random games of beer pong.
oh, and they can't mind that once in a while, i'm going to lock myself in my room and talk to lisa. hah. it's great. me & her, i mean. now, and tommorow, and yesterday. i know that no matter what she will be important to me. and no matter what, her and i will always be close. just, how close we are... is up to fate. well, or luck. or us.
i fixed up your journal, lisa. tell me how you like it.
and now, it's time for work.
|
|
|
[August 21st|12:56pm] |
|
"just tell yourself you'll be ok. there isn't another person on this earth that gives a shit."
|
|
|
[August 21st|3:28am] |
i'm not sure dudes are supposed to do that, but i did anyway. hah.
tonight has been grand, and tommorow i get to see lisa. i'm so happy. brady is having some problems so im gonna let him crash at my house, and now i have to leave. bye-bye.
|
|
|
[August 20th|1:37pm] |
oops.
anyway.
i'm really considering going to nova instead of going to NS.
or maybe turning point, just, i wan't to get the fuck out of highschool.
but doing so might put some... ermm.... stress, on a certain very important relationship. but i need to be sure that it will last before i make a decision that big.
you were my favorite.
hah i can't stop listening to the new co&ca song. it just keeps playing and playing. he sounds like a he now, and less like a "what the fuck?"
i'm still really confused about just what happened last night. time to find out. seven five two five........
|
|
| :( |
[August 20th|1:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
my mouse ran the fuck away. and i will never... ever see her again.
|
|
|
[August 19th|12:15pm] |
last night sucked.
a lot.
i realized a few things.
1. some of my friends are pathetically fake.
2. i really need to quit smoking.
3. 'you're hardly missing me but i'm really missing you.'
and yes.
now, i'm gonna go take a shower. a long one. then i'm gonna figure out how i can get 20$ by the end of the day.
who wants to go to the pawn shop with me?
you only have to be 18 and i have some jewelry i need to get rid of.
|
|
| the flow |
[August 18th|4:52pm] |
Closest 50 non-Friends for  begforlight:1: unrequittedlove, 2: dopeloserkid, 3: found_my_way, 4: kickyourshinz, 5: poisonfreeyouth, 6: withnarmslength, 7: poloroids, 8: kwyjibo, 9: the_half_elf, 10: amberchan, 11: asthisfadesaway, 12: pinky2911, 13: bedwiththem, 14: caducus, 15: nikon_eyes, 16: pretty_nothings, 17: morbidpenis, 18: praiseheyzeus, 19: brokensunday, 20: jalyn, 21: mystarisfake, 22: poeticdeath, 23: vulchre, 24: xspecialk, 25: adamkills, 26: angel_fuck, 27: coolsville, 28: interpol_nyc, 29: lovemeback, 30: mike_mcdagger, 31: nationinflames, 32: punkrockleon, 33: residualx, 34: caroline349, 35: carebeardork, 36: crestfallenmarl, 37: devaburger, 38: drowningjuliet, 39: eqx, 40: ruffles, 41: starsxrunxdry, 42: xxnicedreamxx, 43: looksxcanxkill, 44: piasucks2, 45: crimsonxtears, 46: heartxbreak_kid, 47: downxsyndrome, 48: littlexminds, 49: nomorewishes, 50: domyouji
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
begforlight's journal